That knife thing you put on the end of your rifle…Bayonetta Backlog Review

This game took way to long to complete. Bayonetta was visually stunning piece of Japanese game developing. This is not the game I usually play and will try to avoid in the future.

Well, with some truths out of the way, let’s get started on this review. Bayonetta, where to start this game was purchased on the grounds that it seemed everyone was blowing one in there shorts for this game, it must be good right? It is, and it isn’t right for me. Let’s start with the story.

I scratched my head though the entire game trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. I still don’t quite understand the ultimate mind fuck this game is. Bayonetta is a witch. [Surrounded by Munchkins]  “Are you a good witch or a bad witch?” She is a little of both but more or less works for hell. There are two sides the Umbra Witches and the Lumen Sages; dark and light respectively. They are the keepers of balance of the earth or something. They keep each other in check and make sure one doesn’t hold more power than the other. As Bayonetta, you are fighting against the power of the light and the angelic forces that are. I think. Bayonetta has a big back story that takes up the whole game and I couldn’t try to even to begin to explain it where your head wouldn’t explode. Story aside, the narrative had a nice flow.

Game play wise this game is frantic and just nearly epileptic in its delivery. This game is awesome for its combat. Bayonetta is strapped to the hilt with firepower, guns on her boots and two in her hands. You pick up more over the course of the game; all some magical history to it. Sword, whip, shotguns, big ass claws…yes claws, and a move set and combos to kick everything’s ass. You fight angels, in a sense; they are angelic “creatures”, wings and all but not the cherubic faces. Think mean looking bird people, mostly. Then there are other creatures that I couldn’t really describe with much justice to their oddity. The bosses are epic fights, and they usually take up the whole screen and then some. I will say the last few are so freaking huge you have to really draw yourself back just to see them completely.

The combos are what really killed this game for me. Timing is really difficult to master in this game and I usually stay away from these games because of the high concentration you must have to really excel. Most of the time I was spamming the buttons pulling off the combo that was the easiest to accomplish. It sucks and I suck at trying to time combos. The game does have some cool animations for what the game calls torture attacks. You have a magic meter and if filled with enough power you can perform a torture attack on an enemy. Couple of examples would be grabbing an enemy, slapping them around, and then tossing them in to a guillotine and then smashing the according button to increase the power of the attack. These were always sweet to watch and over the top. Enemies were thrown into iron maidens, crushed on the racks and hung. Bayonetta’s suit of sexy is also a weapon, she will perform wicked weave attacks, where her clothes disappear and form a giant boot that appears though a portal to kick your enemies. You also get to use these forms of attacks of bosses called, get this, climaxes. At a timed moment in the battle you hit a button press and Bayonetta calls upon demons to do her bidding, these were fucking awesome!  Usually each boss died from a different from of demon made from the suit/hair of Bayonetta.

Visually, this game is something of a spectacle to see. Huge bosses, fast frantic fights and the levels are very beautiful and varied. The first time you pull off a torture attack you are hooked. This game also borders on porn. I’m not kidding. Let’s see…there was the dance off between Bayonetta and a look-a-like where the losers snatch region start glowing and exploded after she lost. Jeanne, forgot about her…she is another witch you fight and has something to do with the story; gets knocked out of her clothes and HER snatchal region glows pink before her clothes reappear. Then the credits roll and Bayonetta herself gives you a pole dance. Japanese porn; if I may reference it to Ocarina of Time like delivery, tongue in cheek and laughable.

I liked this game for its awesome visuals but hated the combat combo system that I am just no good at. There is some humor injected, the story from what I understood was good, I think. I fought to just to complete this game and I am glad I did because it does merit some level of appreciations of its game play and developers. It took too long for my noob combo system ass.

Porn and all, this is a pretty good game. I’d give it 3.5 Inus out of 5. This game is good in the sense of its sexy borderline porn librarian heroine and stunning visuals. It fails on its slick combo system because I suck at it.

SWS out.